Coping with the Downturn

#No 47. Stealing

Times are hard, credit cards are maxed out and banks are unwilling to lend, so why not try stealing. Even cheaper than Ebay, stealing allows you access a wide variety of goods at no cost. Many people are under the impression that only chavs and persons from Liverpool are allowed to steal. This is not so, stealing is available to all classes and could seriously reduce your outgoings.

For small items, simple select them from any shop and then run out of the door. If you don’t want to be recognised, you can wear a ‘hoody’ or a burqa which can be obtained from a passing Moslem (See #53 Mugging).

For large ticket items such as jewelry crash your Range Rover into the front of the shop and select the required items from the display. For a wider selection of barely-used items, burgle your neighbour’s house. Rifling through their things will also give you items of personal information which may come in handy later (See #83 Blackmail)

To avoid embarrassing confrontations, chose a time to do this when the neighbours are out and, unless you’re thinking of setting fire to the house to remove incriminating evidence, avoid leaving fingerprints – although, if your neighbours are close personal friends, your fingerprints will be everywhere anyway. Some burglars like to take a dump in the living room but this is by no means compulsory.

Please note that all of these activities are against the law. This is not a problem though, simple tell the judge that you are suffering from anxiety and depression and/or are under the doctor and he will let you off scott free. Try to work in a mention of your golf club so that he will know you are not working class. You never know, the judge might be up for a game once he has finished sending the chavs to prison.